Death

I have thought about writing over the past few weeks. Thought about a particular subject to write about: Death.

It has taken me since May 9th to finally sit down and do this. Why? Well, that is a good question. Death in any form is hard to talk about never mind deal with. In the stages of death there is: denial, anger, sadness/depression, bartering and finally, acceptance.

We go through life, well, at least, some of us; thinking that death has to do with losing a loved one. Yes, it is true that when one talks about death that is exactly what they may be referring to. In my case, well, I haven’t lost a loved one this year.

The death that I am referring to is the death of a business that my boyfriend and I started a few years ago. We finally had to accept, at least on the surface, that we no longer owned a business. That we would now have to go back to working towards making someone else rich while we still struggle. We would have to accept the loss of freedom that we had setting our own hours. The freedom of following our passion, well, the time and energy, that is. Accept the fact that we no longer could get paid to go on a mini vacation or visit family far away. Most importantly, we had to accept the fact that we no longer had the freedom to make time for our family without worrying about losing a job or money.

Each of these aspects of loss have affected both of us, especially me. I enjoyed having the freedom to watch my grand-kids while my boyfriend/business partner went off to work for the day. I could do my schoolwork while on the job, could read a book, and even got inspired to write while on the road stuck in traffic.

Since May 9th, I’ve had no desire for reading or writing. No desire to further my education. I know that at times during the ownership of the business that I may have been full of pride and not always in a good way, and maybe that is the karma biting me now.

Once I fully pass the stages of death I will see I’m sure many lessons in front of me. I can hear others saying don’t give up, keep fighting, but right now, I don’t feel that. Writing this piece is a baby step. Where that step takes me next I do not know.

I write this in such bad form not only for myself but for others who have suffered loss. Others who have perhaps, been in my shoes. Losing the business has been a major blow to me emotionally, physically and mentally. I know that God has something better in store for us and one day I will look back and say, “Thank you God for getting us out there, or Thank you God for this opportunity.”

I am looking forward to that day. That day will be better than the past few. It will mean that the pain will have subsided like a raging sea. It will mean another lesson that I have learned in my life on earth.

One of my friends shared with me that if I tried to write every day just how I’m feeling, that it will begin to help; that it helped her. Again, this death has hit me harder than I thought it would. I see myself as being similar to the commercials about depression and just not being able to push myself off the couch or the bed.

When I walk into my new job, it only adds to the defeat that I feel; the failure. If I can’t keep a business running, how can I expect to sell my stories, my thoughts. The answer eludes me, but if I want to prove to myself that I can, well, then by golly, I will keep fighting and pressing on.

Maybe I can hire a kick me coach. No, not literally kick me, but someone who will puts some fire under me and take free coffee and donuts in exchange.

That’s all for today.

God Bless each and everyone of you!